Mom Guilt: Tips for Self-Care and Peace of Mind
By: Tori Mikesell LMHC
Am I doing enough? Did I feed my child too many chicken nuggets this week? Did my child get too much screen time today? Am I making the right decisions for my child’s future? Was I present and patient enough with my child today? Am I spending enough time with my child if I’m working? Did I set a good example for my child today? Is my parenting style the right one? Am I connecting enough with my partner, friends and family? What if I need to take off another day of work in order to care for my sick child? Should I be managing everything better? Am I a good enough mom? How can I take care of myself without feeling guilty?
If you are a mom, you might struggle with some of these same questions on a regular basis. They all stem from a term you might be familiar with, which is “mom guilt.” Mom guilt refers to the feelings of guilt, anxiety, or inadequacy that many mothers experience as they navigate the demands of motherhood. It generally comes from the belief that mothers aren’t living up to certain expectations – whether these are societal or self-imposed ideas of what a “good mother” should be or do. I think there are a number of factors that likely contribute to the development of mom guilt. One that I think is important to note and that has become popular on social media, is this idea that moms are “superheroes.” While I think this can be a powerful and uplifting metaphor at times as it emphasizes the immense responsibility and multiple roles mothers juggle all while finding strength in the face of adversity to keep going in order to ensure their kids are safe, healthy and happy. I think there are also potential dangers to the superhero analogy which are important to consider. When moms are portrayed as superheroes, it glorifies self-sacrifice to the point that it can become unhealthy and there’s a risk that moms might feel pressured to do more than they can handle. In turn, when moms are not living up to the superhero image of remaining strong, despite the inevitable challenges that motherhood brings, then in creeps guilt, stress and burnout.
According to Motherly’s 2021 State of Motherhood survey, 93% of mothers reported feeling burned out, and 16% say they feel burned out all the time. Most recent findings show that 1 in 5 mothers are impacted by mental health conditions and maternal mental health issues remain the leading complication during pregnancy and childbirth. Even more alarming, suicide and overdoses remain as a leading cause of death among new mothers (during the first year after birth). Further, from Motherly’s 2023 survey, the majority of moms (62%) still report getting less than an hour to themselves each day. When asked what keeps them up at night, mental health concerns have surpassed finances as mothers’ top source of worry. So what can we as moms do in order to help ourselves overcome the “mom guilt” and take care of ourselves?
Here are a few strategies to start with to manage and reduce mom guilt:
1. Acknowledge that guilt is a natural feeling and accept it. Most mothers experience guilt at some point! It’s important to know that you are not alone and it is ok to feel this way. Guilt can arise from balancing responsibilities and expectations, but it doesn’t mean you are failing. You might find it helpful to journal or ask yourself questions related to the guilt, such as, whereis this guilt coming from? Is this guilt helpful or harmful? What can I learn from this situation?
Shift your mindset and release the need to be perfect. The “perfect mom” does not exist. As your child grows, you too as a mother are growing, gaining wisdom and experience. Part of that process is likely to include mistakes along the way. Every mom has limitations and it’s ok to not meet every single expectation all the time. Remind yourself that you are human.
2. Stop should-ing yourself and practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness that you offer to a friend in the same situation. Better yet, consider your small child in front of you, crying and upset, we tend to respond in a nurturing manner, offering a hug, and some words of encouragement. We have the opportunity to do the same for ourselves and when we do it actually relieves our stress. This could look like saying the following things to yourself: “I’m doing the best I can. It’s ok to have tough moments,” “It’s ok to use nap time as a rest and relaxation for myself,” or “I am worthy of love and care, just as much as I give to my family.”
3. Reflect on your strengths as a mother. Take a moment to jot down things, whether big or small that you can identify as wins.Think back to times when you’ve overcome a challenge or made a positive change in your parenting. Think about your core values as a mom and how you lean into those each day. If you struggle with this, look for feedback from others whether it’s from friends, family, or your children. We often overlook strengths in ourselves that others may see.
4. Remember to take care of YOU. Self-care is not selfish. Consider the oxygen mask analogy, just like you need oxygen in order to survive, moms need to take care of themselves in order to be able to properly care for their families. While I think moms do and can find ways to pour from an empty cup, it is not sustainable long term and eventually you will burnout and have nothing left to pour. So, find ways to recharge, rest, and focus on your mental well-being. It will allow you to live a healthier, more balanced life, which in turn will benefit both you and your children.
Motherhood, in my opinion, is such a “both/and” thing. Both beautiful and chaotic; rewarding and exhausting. Whether you are a mom to young children or teenagers, an empty nest mom, a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a soon to be mom, or a new mom – please know you are never alone, and it is ok to talk about these things.
If you are struggling and need mental health services, reach out to Pillars of Wellness at 219-313-3311 and we would be happy to help. If you enjoy reading and are interested in a resource that further expands on this topic, I would encourage checking out the book, “Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself,” by Dr. Morgan Cutlip. She writes in her book “we must learn to mother ourselves like we mother our kids.” My hope is that after reading through this, you might find some comfort in that wording to take a step to do something to care for you starting today.